The Really Important Stuff

There's lots of crazy things going on in the world these days - earthquakes, cyclones, tornadoes, gas prices, media coverage of the Democratic presidential race - and if I were the thoughtful, introspective intellectual I fancied myself in college turning out to be, I'd expound on any one of those topics next.

But who am I kidding? Let's just talk "American Idol," okay?

It's a train wreck I can't stop watching. Yes, it's sucking brain cells out of me every time I turn it on, but so is trying to reason with a two-year-old who's taken to shrieking and throwing things when she doesn't get what she wants. At this point, I've resigned myself to having the intelligence of a rutabaga by the time I'm 50 - why fight it by watching serious stuff?

Anyway, here's what I think:

I'm hoping David Cook wins, because he's the only one who might make me want to buy his music. Syesha Mercado has a great career ahead of her on Broadway - if I were her, I'd be on a plane to NYC ten seconds after Idol ditched me, which will probably happen tomorrow night.

Which brings me to poor, sad David Archuletta. This kid has a great voice but the personality of my left toe, probably because by all accounts his dad is the stage dad from hell. Even if he's not, the dad's just dang creepy - gives me the willies every time they pan to him in the audience.

Trust me on this - I'm an expert. I've dealt way too many times in my life with the ultimate stage moms - evil cheerleader/dance team moms. They are the spawns of Satan and should be destroyed. They're the reason I will never again judge a cheer or dance competition in the states of Texas or Kentucky. They're the reason I flat out refuse to coach a high school dance team ever again. I can spot those Beelzebubs-in-training a mile away - I'm tellin' ya, that Archuletta guy's totally one of Them.

If Archuletta wins, I guarantee you within five years he'll end up in court-appointed rehab after videos of him in a compromising position with a tub of potato salad, a Weedeater and a llama show up on YouTube. People, this is not going to end well. Do not give this poor child the Idol crown. Let him be gobbled up by the Disney machine and end up opening for the Jonas Brothers on their next tour and co-starring in Hillary Duff's new series - the Mouse will be good for him. I promise.

Unless, of course, Annie Leibovitz gets near him with her camera.